I got married because I was certain that he was my other half ―the person with whom I would be spending the rest of my life. Although we married at a young age, I knew that what we had was love. I strongly believe in marriage and family, and this is all I have ever wanted and needed. But things did not turn out the way I thought they would. I tried, to the best of my ability, to fight for my marriage because to me, a promise is a promise. Yes, indeed.
Abegail dancing at her wedding.
But, as time passed, many factors interfered which made it difficult to keep that promise. Feelings got hurt and, eventually, we found that the promise could no longer be fulfilled. I made myself believe, in order to keep my promise, but what resulted was a painful and devastating situation for me and for those around me. I pretended to be alright, and everything was fine, in order to preserve my marriage.
As a result, I began losing trust in myself. This led to my not having any courage to stand up for what is really right and true. I caught myself imprisoned in my own fears. It was unendurable. It did not help to be abused, and the unbearable pain and suffering only weakened my will to live. From my perspective, things no longer made sense. I questioned many things. I reminisced for my past.
I asked myself again and again…
What are you now? Where was the girl who was not afraid to speak in front of large crowds and was not afraid to speak her mind? Where was the girl who was not afraid to take action against wrongful doing? The girl who believed in freedom, justice, all things right and worth fighting for. Where was the girl who once had the courage to love and the strength to live?
I wanted to go back and rewind my life. I would ask myself, “If I did not do this, or that, would my life have been better?” I realized that I am no longer who I was back then, and this made me feel suffocated.
I could not take the fact that I was trapped. It was intolerable to believe that I let myself go through this. I made myself believe that maybe, one day, things were going to get better. But, it got worse. I, and the people I loved, had been through enough to the point where it had to end. I asked myself why did my 16 years of marriage have to end?
Christmas day with their four children during better times.
I never wanted my marriage to fail. Nor did I want a broken family. Love means everything to me ― all the best things in life that money cannot buy. But as my love for my husband grew weaker due to the pain and suffering, I found myself becoming more miserable. My husband was also miserable. We both strived to preserve our marriage and to keep our family from falling apart. I knew that, in doing so, I would be viewed with much judgment and criticism.
In facing it, I built a wall. I envisioned that, if I endured the pain, we would be one complete family and become a strong couple. Sad to say that, through this process, I only became weaker. I lost courage and trust in myself. Things did not make sense anymore. I lived my life full of doubt and misery. It made me yearn for the past. I questioned many things.
I never wanted a perfect marriage, however the damage that was done made it difficult for me to keep fighting the brutal battle. I was deeply hurt by the person I truly loved, someone whom I believed was my better half, and would never do the things, that he did, towards me. I was deeply hurt by all the pain and suffering caused. It resulted severe loss of my self-esteem, feeling less of a woman, and less of a human being. I could no longer contain it. I had been through enough and refused to go through more torture.
While I still had the chance, to turn my life around, I did what was best for myself, the people I loved and, more importantly, my children. I wanted to keep everyone from getting hurt, deceived and manipulated. For me, life should be lived to the fullest with love, trust, respect, happiness, freedom, justice, integrity and honor. ♥
